Tuesday, August 8, 2006

<Sigh>

WARNING - this is not a scrapping post! Lots of rambling!



That really sums things up for me right now. Just one big sigh. The overwhelmed kind, the really tired kind, the boy-I-wish-things-were-easier kind... when I am talking about scrapping stuff, I can put on my happy face and be my "rah-rah" self. However, that is getting more difficult to do.



Today I babysat for my neighbor, Calista had her occupational therapist here for a session, then her special ed teacher was here for her session, but Colton didn't have home programming today. Rats. Tomorrow Cali has therapy in the morning, Colton needs to be picked up from school at 12:45 to get to speech in Southern NJ by 1:30, we get home by 3:15 to have his home programmer here, and his autism consultant is coming at 4:00, then I have my second fitting for my bridesmaid dress at 7:30. I am so glad we are finally getting his school in order and the services he requires, and I am really glad that Calista gets what she needs as well - I just feel like I have a revolving door on my house! I have gotten over the fact that I need to vaccumm whenever someone new comes over, but I still feel the need to wipe the tables and pick up the family room, you know?



I think I spend more time wondering how I am going to accomplish getting through my day then anything... at least my "base" is my laptop/scrapping. It gives me a little out from the real life stuff. Like when the kids are quiet for a second, I check my email at lightning speed. I design when Colton is at school and Cali is napping. Whenever I have a free moment I come to my laptop - it is my escape, my relief, and the way I actually get through.



Sounds crazy, doesn't it? How can this weird looking electronic thing be such a lifesaver? It is not just the scrapping that is therapeutic, oh no. It is so much more than that. It is the community spirit, places like RAKScraps are truly uplifting sometimes. It is the great friends I have made, from Correen, Rachel and Robin to Krista, Melissa and Jen, and all the fabulous people at RAK that make me smile every day (the CT, the members, etc), and all the designers at Scrapdish that amaze me with their talent, and the Scrapdish CT that inspires me when I can't get going... It is so much more than scrapping. Although I am very down lately, these people keep me sane. Some of these people I have never even met, and yet they are a special part of my life. How nutty is that? So strange to think there are people that have posted something or emailed something that have really made a difference in my life, and really helped me keep my chin up, that I have never met and don't even know what they look like! How fortunate I am to have discovered a pasttime that I enjoy AND that I can enjoy and share with others!



But, sigh, then real life comes up again. One child pulling the kitty by his tail while the other has his head, the therapist walking in the door, the phone ringing with Jeff saying "can you do this?", having my to-do list that gets longer and not shorter throughout the day... Sigh.



I did call a couple potential child care providers - it is $10 an hour, so for 8 hours a day that will be $80. YIKES! It should be longer probably since Jeff leaves for work in NYC at 6:20am and gets home at 7:20pm, but my goodness that would be $130! For one day! But I know some of this is necessary when Jeff goes back to work after the surgery. Right now it looks like he can only take off three days unpaid, and my mom is taking off one day unpaid. I really don't want the financial hardship to fall on my mom of course, but we cannot really take a hit either. DDD has not called me back about respite services and I did call a nanny service (waiting on a call back from them to see what the finders fee is). Ugh. Hopefully while I am recovering I can lie down with my laptop and make some kits that people will like...  That would be a nice break too!



Part of the reason I am feeling this way is the cancer scare, part of it is trying to figure out how I am going to "deal" with the family stuff during this time, part of it is me turning 35 this month... I feel old, out of control, ugly, icky, and worn out. LOL - pretty picture huh? The wrinkles are totally showing and I think I have aged 10 years in one month! Ah well.



I DID schedule my pre-admission testing for next Monday - I need an EKG and bloodwork. Colton will be in school, and my wonderfully giving and thoughtful friend offered to watch Calista for me. My pre-op clearance appt is scheduled for 2 weeks from now... so at least that stuff is set up. I leave for my brother's wedding in Madison, WI on 8/31 and get back 9/4 and then surgery is 9/8. Colton starts his new school for autism that week and Cali will be back at the developmental daycare on Wed and Thurs, so that will be interesting.



I feel really badly that Colton will be starting a new school during this whole thing - he is so bad with transitions and I know he will need me during that time! And yet I won't be able to help out. Bad mommy. Poor guy. Calista will be difficult in that she still always wants to be held or hugged (at 2 1/2 she is still a cuddle-bug), so I am trying to get her more used to me not doing that. I feel badly...



That is the thing too - not only does it stink that I am thinking about the surgery crap, I sit here feeling GUILTY about things. The kids (they will want mommy and I won't be able to do as much with them), Jeff (how can I clean/take care of the kids when I am recovering), the RAK admin (they will have to cover me), Jen at Scrapdish (who always covers for me when I am not around)... I sit here feeling guilty. I am almost looking forward to staying in the hospital for a few days to get away from everything, yet feel guilty about that too!



<sigh> - so, I guess to sum it up I am REALLY messed up with my emotions. Ever get like that?



If you read this far, you are either in a trance and sleeping OR you deserve a reward! I think I am going to delete this after I re-read it...