Saturday, July 15, 2006

I just don't know.


I really don't know. I don't understand why nobody warned me that life would be so hard. Why didn't anyone tell me that being a mother/wife/adult can be so difficult? Did I miss a class? Did I miss the warnings? Am I the only one who finds life hard?

For those of you that know me, you know what I have been going through the past couple years. Since September of 2003 my life has been, well, topsy turvy to say the least. I have had some lulls, sure, but when it rains it POURS. I am about to really spill my guts here...

I am lucky enough to have two adorable, wonderful children after being told by many doctors that I would be unable to get pregnant/carry to term. They are very special, and are special needs. We have therapists, specialists, doctors, special schools, etc that we run to daily. Both of my kids take a lot of patience and love, of which I feel I don't have enough of. Every morning I wake up wondering how I am going to make it through the day. Really - I lie in bed thinking "what is it going to be today???" or "how am I going to get Cali home in time for the OT when I have to get Colton to speech a half hour away and she is going to run late???" or "Colton has no clean underwear, but I am not going to have time to laundry!" or just "why won't this pain in my abdomen go away for just one day???". Some days I don't want to get out of bed. I want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep. I would say that is most days lately. I would like to sleep for a while - like a couple months maybe. Life is hard, you know?

And honestly, I really want to be in bed right now. Sleeping...

I had my biopsy done Thursday and got the results of my MRI. The MRI shows that the muscular wall that surrounds my uterus is enlarged - causing my uterus to be the size it would be if I was about 12 weeks pregnant.  There are only TWO causes for your uterine wall to be enlarged - adenomyosis or cancer. I am thinking (hoping) it is adenomysosis (this is different then endometriosis, BTW, which I have had surgery for in the past), but I will get the results of the biopsy in 2 weeks to determine for sure if it is cancer or not. Regardless, the extent of my disease (adenomyosis or cancer) is such that I have really only one option to relieve it - removal of my uterus. The dr said I can try hormone therapy but the results are not usually that great - it may help the adenomyosis from getting worse but it won't help relieve what is already there and causing me pain. Obviously, if it is cancer, everything has to go.

Now if I were older and 100% sure that I did not want more children in the future this would be much easier. HOWEVER, I am not even 35 yet (a month shy!) and my husband REALLY REALLY wants another child. Yet here I sit with some pain, wondering if I CAN even have another child. Or if I want another child. The dr wants me to let him know what I want to do over the next couple weeks since it is just going to get worse, so I basically have 2 weeks to decide whether I ever want to have children again (naturally). Personally I don't think I want more children. Colton and Calista take every ounce of energy I have, and I cannot imagine throwing another one into the mix. But Jeff does...

I don't think our chances of having a "typical" child are very good, considering we have two with neurological conditions (the neurologist calls us a "cluster" family), and I really don't think I have the strength, patience, faith, caring, etc to give another child everything he/she would need (typical or not!).

The MRI also showed multiple lesions and masses on my right ovary, which explains the intense pain on my right side. They originally thought it was one endometrioma on the right but it turns out there are many masses, and they are starting to make my ovary twist since they are so heavy/big (my right ovary is 3 times bigger than the left). I have to get those surgically removed for sure (either a laporoscopy or whatever), regardless of what I decide about the uterus problem.

Finally, the MRI showed some masses/fibroids in my uterus. Those are probably not helping the pain situation!

So here I sit wondering what to do. Do I just get a laporoscopy for the ovarian tumors/masses and try the hormone thearpy for the uterus? Do I not even think about it since if it IS cancer I will have to get rid of everything anyway? OR do I say, you know, the pain is too much so just take out the uterus and if we decide we want another child we can adopt?

If it were 100% my decision, I would have the hysterectomy (I think?). I am really sick and tired of the pain. I don't like taking 600mg of motrin every 4 hours, and I don't like having never-ending periods. After Colton was born, I always said that when I had my next child i would ask them to take everything with it to get rid of some of the pain, so now that the time has come, I have second thoughts. Kinda funny (not ha ha funny, but funny). But, when you have a husband who wants another child, it get a little more difficult. Plus he is in denial about everything right now which doesn't help. He does not want to talk about it (he said last night that he is only 32, and yet he has to deal with his wife contemplating this surgery that only people like his mom's age have...). Hence all the writing on my blog!

I am going to bed now - sleep is good.